Street BBQ

This past weekend we hosted a BBQ for all of the neighbours on our street. It was great!

We've been meaning to host some sort of neighbourhood event ever since we moved in here, and now that we're leaving in a month, it seemed like the right time. (you know, in case we ruin everything)

And, despite any worries we may have had, it went really well! About 20 people showed throughout the evening. I chatted with 2 girls who live across the street, lived in the same residence as me in first year and are in similar programs in school. I also met an incredibly lively and smart philosophy student who lives a few houses away from us. She was super out going and got into a nice discussion with some people about the importance of the internet and blogging (she happens to be a blogger herself as well as a big advocate for twitter. How else you gonna know what Justin Bieber is up to every day?). She was so grateful that we put the BBQ on because she doesn't have the best room mates and she likes knowing that she has nice neighbours nearby. She even hugged us good bye when she left.

I had to leave early for work, but from what I heard, the rest of the night went even better than the first half. Two guys who have lived next to each other for years got the chance to connect over their love and knowledge of cars. One of them happened to be a teacher from my high school who taught wood shop and all that other hands on electrical and mechanical type stuff. He fixed our lawn mower too!

The next day, we were sitting outside doing our weekly dinner/devotions when two of the girls from the BBQ came up with a tray of cupcakes and a thank you card. They said we can come by whenever we want and join them on their stoop for some beer. I'm down for that :).

Its too bad that we're leaving here after having made some good connections. I think we're all a bit disappointed by that. But it does make me look forward to the coming year because I think we'll do something similar as soon as we can once we've moved into Sunnydale. One of the great things about events like this is that even if you don't necessarily connect perfectly, theres people nearby that you can call on in the future. Last year, Katie and Gloria and I gifted all of our townhouse neighbours with wrapped up rolls of toilet paper and invited people for dinner. We didn't have a lot of response but we did start getting lots of knocks on our door when people needed ice for their party, or some sugar for their baking. We also had people we could borrow cork screws or chairs from. There was a while there where we felt like we were living in a nice little community of sorts. I think a lot of people are eager to meet their neighbours and be part of their communities but they're just waiting for an invitation. And if we can help facilitate neighbours meeting eachother before we move on to a new place, that seems like a success to me.

A few nights ago everyone who is living here for the summer met up to discuss some issues we've encountered. We used the Restorative Justice method Gloria learned about in one of her classes and I felt like it was really effective.

Starting with Gloria, we went around and spoke about how various issues had been affecting us this summer. The biggest issue was the mess in our kitchen. Almost everyone had the same feelings about this problem. We feel like we can't use the kitchen. We feel like we can't have people over. We feel like we can leave our dishes out because everyone else leaves their's. Its a perpetual cycle in our house and no one is happy about it (even those of us who contribute). When it got to my turn, I expressed similar feelings of frustration and annoyance. But what bothers me most is that its a bad reflection of our our house, not only because it looks like we are slobs, but because ultimately, it demonstrates that we don't really care about each other. I know that it was no one's intention to be uncaring, but that's what really lies behind the constant state of mess. Ever since the house started getting messy back in September, the people who have been most negatively affected by it have told us how terrible it makes them feel. We've created system after system and had meeting after meeting with little to no results. Why is this such a pervasive problem?

I think its so easy to forget about how your actions affect other people, especially when things don't affect you in the same way. I don't like it when its messy, but it doesn't weigh down on me as much as it does on others. Its easy for me to forget that every time I leave behind a mess, I'm showing a lack of care for the people I live with.

We've all committed to supporting and caring and loving each other in this house and the mess doesn't demonstrate that at all. Once everyone had a chance to share, we starting brainstorming different solutions. We came up with several different ideas about cleaning but nothing really enforceable (who wants to be the enforcer anyways). Then someone mentioned that we still weren't solving the root of the problem which is that really, we aren't caring for each other. I said that I wished we could have a reminder so that its fresh in our minds when we are making messes that not cleaning up is hurtful to others. Gloria suggested we have a sign that said something like "This is hurtful" or something to that effect and then have another sign that would say "I'm Sorry." to replace the first one with once the mess had been cleaned. Jesse suggested that instead of those words, we have a heart to represent that cleaning up the mess is showing love to each other. What we ended up with is a double sided sign. One side has a broken heart and we'll place it on our kitchen table if mess is ever left out. The other side has a whole heart which we can show when the wrong has been made right. I really like this idea. No one wants to be the nagging house mate who is constantly asking people to clean up after themselves or complaining about how upset the mess makes them. But some of us need reminders simply because, frankly, we aren't being very considerate. This is a happy medium.

So, the meeting was a few days ago and since then our house had been pretty clean, the kitchen especially. It makes me look forward to making food (which is great because I'd been eating terribly before since I never wanted to use the stove or counters). But more than that, it makes me feel at peace in my home. I feel glad that my actions aren't negatively affecting my house mates any more and I feel glad that we can remove this huge cause of resentment from our lives and maybe start focusing on the reasons we got together in this house in the first place. This seemingly small thing makes me feel hopeful for our futures together. This restorative justice thing is a great tool and I know we'll definitely use it for whatever future stumbling blocks we come against.

An Experiment with Meetings

In one of my classes, I learned about conferencing, which is a way of handling conflict. Conferencing is where everyone immediately affected by a situation gets together to discuss an issue. There are many options for restorative ways of dealing with conflict, but I think this model fits our house best because of its relatively informal format.

What makes conferencing different from a regular meeting is the following:
1) One by one, everyone gets a chance (and must) talk about how a situation/conflict has personally affected them (emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally).
2) Everyone else respectfully hears out and listens to each person's point of view without interruption.
3) After everyone has been given a chance to speak, discussion begins about how things can be set right.
4) Nobody is allowed to dominate the conversation. There is no "leader" but everyone is responsible for making sure everyone else respectfully listens to and takes seriously everyone else's point of view.
5) The solution is reached by collaboration. Everyone must agree to it.
6) This only works if people voluntarily go through this process. If anyone has a bad attitude going in, the process is hindered significantly.
7) IF a solution is reached, there is a celebration afterwards.

We haven't tried this yet, but my hope is that we will, because I feel as though it has the potential of being a peace-building tool within our home.

Love

"Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now." -Fred Rogers

"We have all known the long loneliness, and we have found that the answer lies in community."
-Dorothy Day

The Actual and the Ideal

This is a quote that I brought up during devos last week. I will post it here because I think it is an accurate portrayal of what we are trying to accomplish.

"There are two things, the actual and the ideal.

To be mature is to see the ideal and live in the actual.

To fail is to accept the actual and reject the ideal.

To accept only that which is ideal and refuse the actual is to be immature.

Do not criticize the actual because you have seen the ideal.

Do not reject the ideal because you have seen the actual.

Maturity is to live with the actual but hold on to the ideal."

~ Derek Prince

In order for The Harbour to be successful we need to strike a balance between what we want to be and what we actually are. If we have grand ideas, but never execute them in tangible ways, then we are simply a house full of dreamers. If we are aware of our strengths and limitations, but use them as excuses to abandon our ideas, then we are a house of quitters. But somewhere between dreaming and quitting lies creativity, perseverance, boldness and faith. Let The Harbour be that place.

Gloria's New Blog

Christians who think that the purchases they make are irrelevant to what it means to follow Jesus make me angry.

I decided to do something about it. Check it out:

Consuming Justice to bring about Peace